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A Little and a Lot of sadness - Keeper of the Cages
jazzbandmusic
jazzbandmusic
A Little and a Lot of sadness
I know it's been an awfully long time since I've been on here, but I just never seem to have news or anything.

Also I noticed that a lot of my previous posts happened when I wasn't so completely happy. Why is that? Maybe it's my way of dealing which really isn't fair on the people reading this, if anyone really is.

So what unhappy even prompted my return you might ask. It's my Grandad. He was rushed into hospital on Friday as he couldn't breath and they feared the worst for him. I don't think I could handle it again. I lost my Pop several years ago to the same thing, working for too many years round asbestos and smoking and generally lacking in lung capacity. I was away last time it messed me up big style, as I've said before traveling set me free again I hadn't been that content since before my Pop died. I don't want to become that person again it was scary and rather weird to know deep down that that wasn't me should be me. I don't think I really dealt with it very well. Oh don't get me wrong I didn't do anything I was just sort of detached and floaty and generally hiding.

I'm a coward though. I want to see my Grandad, but I don't know if I have the courage to see him in the hospital. I'm going on Thursday to see him with my Dad as everyone else seems to be going this week and I don't want to tier him out any more than he already is. I want to see him and be cheerful for his sake. I'm not ready to see him go, he's got to be here to see a lot more of my life.

My mum is being awfully strong, but then again she's look after my nanna taking her to the hospital for visiting hours etc. I don't know what it will do to her if anything does happen.

My nanna told me my brother broke his heart crying over my Grandad when he saw him this last weekend. I wish I'd been there for him, but me and my dad were in Cologne at the christmas markets. It was supposed to be me, mum and dad, but she wouldn't go. My brother is such a strong person and awfully grown up, but still he's my baby brother and shouldn't always try to be strong. He just has this silly man picture in his head over what he should be like now he's 21. Im the airhead of the family, but it doesn't mean I can't be leaned on and it doesn't mean I don't care. I do I just hide it as I don't want to upset others.

It's weird while I was away this weekend it didn't seem real, but since I came back it's hit that He's very very ill and I can see myself turning back into that other person. I just hope I can hold it together long enough to find my center again.

I'm just being way too pessimistic and I know my Grandad is going to be fine, they are going to make him better and even if he has to spend a lot of time with an oxygen tank it will be ok. He'll still be here and at home where everyone wants to see him.

Gods what a dampener on Kathryn coming home and going to meet up with people from Uni, I wonder if they'd see me going back again. Kathryn hadn't even seen me as me again. Ah well you wont miss it will you my dear?!

Not only that but one of my dearest friends from School is ill and I don't know what's going on with her. It was all going so well she'd just got married and had set up her new home and they were starting their own business and she was working doing speech therapy. The last I heard the doctors were doing tests. I hope and pray that everything with her is going to be fine. I know it will.

I think God sends us trials to keep us thankful for what we have and to test just what we are made of. I know both my Grandad and my Friend will be ok as they both have such strong faith and I know there are many many people praying for them both, including me. You may not see God, but you know he is there and you know that he will answer prayers even if we may not understand to start with how they are answered.

Ok I've said it before and I'll probably say it again I shouldn't post when emotional and at such a late hour of the day. I get quite pessimistic and bring my wonky ideas of religion into things.

I hope that all is well with all you who read this. I'll be back soon I promise and I will be bringing happier posts with me :D!

Take Care

Love Sara xxxxx

Current Location: my bed in my bedroom

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Comments
aigooism From: aigooism Date: November 29th, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that. It really is difficult to see your loved ones get sick and whatnot. Life really throws lemon at ya, doesn't it? I hope things get better for you, though!
jazzbandmusic From: jazzbandmusic Date: November 29th, 2006 06:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks hunni I needed the hugs. I think life stores up the lemons and then throws them all around the same time!

How are you? Hope things are ok with you. S xxx
From: hunting_orc Date: November 30th, 2006 04:00 am (UTC) (Link)
hey you. i coming home and i fix it all or you know, be there ok? and we can watch fun nz cartoons and chill out and you don't have to be alone. :D xxxxxxxxxx
3 comments or Leave a comment