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Before I head off to Barcelona with everyone... - Keeper of the Cages
Before I head off to Barcelona with everyone...
I think I should probably rant here before I go away and try to function like a sane human being!

I am most definitely not in a happy place right now. I'm stressed and having panic attacks and crying at absolutely nothing. I mean getting weepy when you change the tv channel or see someone is totally not normal.

I spent Wednesday night with Shell at Cheshire Oaks for dinner and Sex and the City which was brilliant. Every time I laughed in the film though I cried so it was good that it's dark in there! Then while I was driving home I just totally brokedown. I didn't stop because if I did I wasn't sure I'd keep going. Was so tempted to phone Kathryn but I guessed she would have been getting ready to go to bed and also the reception on the mobile isn't that great (couldn't phone the house phone as that would have been bad).

Last night I at least had a reason to cry - was watching the end of season 3 Bones and I can tell you that had me up and down like a yo-yo! I totally didn't see that ending. With that I could brush away tears as silly nonsense yes.

I need to not be going to Barcelona but there is nothing I can do about it now. I need to not be going into exams next week. I need to not be in this situation.

But the thing is I am. There is no way of getting around it I am going to Barcelona. I am going into exams early next week. And I am in this situation.

The question is "Is my dream worth all this?" And you know what I don't think it is. Yeah it would be nice to be paid lots of money and to be able to go where I want to but it's not worth it if I'm making myself ill and losing sight of myself and everyone around me who I love. This cannot continue for the next couple of years I wont survive that. I'll do something stupid and leave my job which I don't want to do, but then it's like how could I keep doing the job if I stop studying? Would I have to pay back everything they've paid for me?

It gets worse every year. I get more worried and then more life things happen which adds to it. I know I'm not over last year and I'm not over the beginning of this year, but there is no way for me to be over those things as I can't just step back and be myself. I don't have the time nor the money to do that. Escaping would be good, but it wont solve things. I mean it took me 3 years to finally get over my Pop's death. This time I have 4 deaths which I haven't properly acknowledged nor do I know how long it will take me to deal with them.

This weekend could go so very badly. I'm worried about that too. I don't think I should have that much to drink because I don't want to fall apart infront of that many people and I have to work with most of them afterwards. I mean it's bad enough that I fell apart at Yvonnes last weekend. I should have know not to drink and come home but that never happens when I'm tired and heading for a breakdown. I just ignore it and then fall...hard.

Well hopefully typing this here will have helped and I can find my centre before we get to Barcelona, Liverpool airport would be better though!

No more moaning me for a couple of days, though I am taking my t-mobile with me so I could e-mail post! We'll see how things go yeah?!

S xxx

P.S. I skipped out on College today! Naughty me ;) (Couldn't face it even for 3 hours!) xx

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Current Location: My bed
Current Mood: stressed stressed

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