I was thinking back on the fact that I am now thirty and my life is not what I imagined and I don't suppose that many people's lives ever are.
I have a house, which I have been living in quite happily since the end of August. It's mine (well the bank's really, but that will be untrue in another 30 years!) and I love it, but what it lacks is something else. Someone to share it with, but that is totally my doing so no one to blame - I shall be the spinster aunt with the many cats and curtain twitching tendancies (I'll need to move to a busier place for that to be entertaining enough though, or a village like St Mary Mead!).
Do I like my job? No I really don't, well I like the job I just don't like the management and the way they handle things. I wish for once that jobs didn't need education or at least that you could be rewarded on merit and not have to study when you really don't manage well on such things as exams. There is no support at work. And yes I know it's work where you are there to get the most money in for the company and just put in your 9-5 and someday get a pension from it, but if they offer you study they should at least have someone who's understanding in charge of it who can say yes I know it's hard and how about looking at this course this way?
I actually don't want to stay and I don't want to study, but I've already put in the past 5years to it and giving up now will just be bad. Also I have a mortgage which relies on my being employed so no hope there. I was rather angry yesterday though because I had tried to book this week off to study - the exam is on Friday morning - and because there was something, which was not urgent by the way, that I was part way through and instead of allowing me to take a laptop home and finishing it at home I was denied yesterday off and then when I'd finished my boss was no where to be found so I couldn't leave early and study. Bah hum bug!
I am forecasting a failure come the results in February and I won't be suprised and I won't actually care. My Mum will be annoyed and people at work will do that "OH What did you do? Why didn't you pass? Thick-O" look at me, but at the end of the day have they sat the exam? Are they going to sit the exam? Do they find studying hard to do? No so how can they judge and they do.
Anyway I've made another depressing post and I shall go back to listening to the Geordie bloke doing de-briefs on questions from BPP.
Love S xxx